在基督里 不再平凡
我出生在一个蛮幸福的家庭，我的父母非常爱孩子。我记得爸爸说：“我可能无法给我的孩子最好的，但我会毫无保留给他们我所能给予的。”
在我的成长过程中，我一直觉得我的人生很普通 －普通的家庭，普通的名字，普通的成绩，普通的样貌 －就是那种比上不足，比下有馀的孩子。我和很多同龄的人一样，自小上补习班，由小学一直读到读到大学和研究所， 成为临床心理师。 我就是这样随者社会固有的规范成长。虽然我不能说我的人生一帆风顺，但也没有大风大浪。这要归功于我的父母愿意成就我所求我想的。
我的父母是佛教徒，他们同时也奉行一些中华传统习俗。 虽然我的爸爸在教会学校长大，不会中文，但他的骨子里却有很浓的儒家价值观。 他们的身教、言教塑造了我的世界观、价值观和人生观。当我逐渐长，我对佛教的信仰和修持，就不再是因为家人的影响，而是完全出自自己的选择。在大学期间，我是佛学会的理事，参与推广佛教教育的工作。
佛教和儒家的成长背景，让我成为一个蛮乖的孩子。在别人的眼里，我是一个没有什么问题的年青人。然而在心里我却有不少的挣扎，我寻求人生的意义和存在价值。 六年的心理学训练，各种心理学的理论，让我对我的人生和人性，有了很多的思考。或许有人会认为我是书呆子，光是想些‘有的没的’的问题。其实那时我也会和朋友发疯玩乐，我不忧鬱但也不会特别开心。
自小我对我自己的起心动念和感觉很敏感，我知道自己有很多慾望和不可告人的想法， 因此我很努力地行善止恶，更追求洁淨自己的心。我被教导我有能力靠自己，把我的行为和想法修得越来越真，善，美。然而，在现实生活中，我的亲身体验却不是这回事。 无论我怎么修行，我还是会犯罪，特别是思想上的罪 －情慾，怨恨，贪婪等等。久而久之，我对这种‘无助感’感到麻木了。我透过静坐来寻求短暂的内心平静，把宗教的情感需要投射在人手所造的佛像上。
直到十年前我到了青高原做地震灾后的心理援助工作。在灾区，我看着倒塌的房屋桥樑，损坏的寺院佛塔和人命的伤亡，我顿时有一种很深的无助感。 我们在灾区是住在帐篷里。高原地区晚上天寒地冻，电流供应不稳，没有网络，没有电视。每个晚上，我很早就躲在多层厚厚的被单里休息。在黑暗中，我对我的人生，我的信仰有了很多的深思。那些被我搁在一角的无助感和挣扎回来了。我看到内心的污秽，看到了自己内心的不安。我紧紧抓住的学历，我的专业，我的感情，我的。。。。。。。等等。我深怕一旦我放手，我就会往下沉。
我为了提高跨文化辅导的能力，我在一间教堂待了几个月。每个星期六中午去佛教会共修和开会，傍晚就赶去教堂参加小组和崇拜。当时我觉得基督教强调盲信盲从，看起来是比较的迷信的宗教。 有一个晚上， 我不知哪来的力量，竟然在透过电话，唸了信耶稣的决志祷告。祷告完毕后，我有点不知所措。 我没有什么平安喜乐，我觉得很困扰！天啊！我到底干了什么？我是基督徒了吗？我怎么向我的家人，师父和朋友交代？
我还是给了这个耶稣一个机会。 “你向我证明你是真的！” 我开始向这位我看不到的上帝祷告。每次祷告的时候，我感觉到我祷告的对象很大，而我自己却是那么地渺小微不足道。然而，我却感觉到出人意外的平安和充实，完全没有失去自我的不安。当然，我不能单凭感觉来决定真理。因此，我开始努力地读圣经和翻阅不同的佛经。我和不同的牧者和佛教前辈谈我的情况。 最后，我发现我不得不信耶稣；我完全地被圣经的真理和对上帝的真实体验折服了。
原来当我谦卑承认我需要耶稣时，当我承认我无能为力时，上帝赐给了我一个新的生命。当我和罪拔河时，一句句的圣经经文自然浮现，我没有了那种面对罪不知所措的无助感，反而有了很踏实的盼望。我和上帝的互动是那么的真实。我不再挣扎地靠自己“诸恶莫作，众善奉行，自淨己意”，我靠着上帝加添给我的力量领受了《弥迦书》6章8节的呼召“行公义，好怜悯，存谦卑的心，与你的神同行”。我放手让上帝去使用我以前紧紧抓住的学位和专业，去服侍那些被边缘化的族群。 以前我渴望“离苦得乐”，现在我在基督里看到苦难的价值和意义。当我看到自己和那些被边缘化的族群，在苦难中所展现的力量和坚忍时，我改变了我服侍的心态；除了在我的能力范围内帮助他们，我学会了去发掘人在苦难中的成长。这都是因为我知道也经历了耶稣基督透过承担我的苦难，将恩典和盼望赐给了我。
上帝还把我放在于同样领受这份恩典的人群中。祂给了我爱我的属灵父母 –牧师和师母。他们不是要我顶礼膜拜的宗教师，而是谦卑服侍牧养我，引导我的‘神的僕人’。在多年寻寻觅觅后，我也找到了我的彼此相爱的伴侣 。她是一位有爱心，敬畏神，愿意服侍苦难人的女生。 因为我们有共同的价值观 – 神的真理，我们的磨合让彼此都更成熟，更相爱。
我在主里的生活越来越清晰，也越来越轻鬆，我更深深的相信，虽然我很平凡，但上帝也用最美好的眼光来看我，让我能享受这平凡的自己，在主的里面活出不平凡！
Extraordinary in Christ
Micah Mah Testimony
I was born in a blissful family and my parents love us very much. I remembered my father said before, “I may not be able to give my children the best but I will give them whatever I could without any reservation.”
When I was growing up, I always feel that my life was very normal, a normal family, a normal given name, a normal academic result, a normal look, just a child who may be worse off than some but better off than many. Just like many people, attending tuition classes since young, went through primary to tertiary education, research institute and finally become a Clinical Psychologist.
This is how I grew up under the social norms. Although I can't say that my life was smooth all the time but neither were there big waves. All credit to my parent’s willingness to fulfil what I could ask and think.
My parent are Buddhist and they also practice some traditional Chinese customs. Although my father grew up in a Christian school and doesn’t know Chinese language but he has strong Confucian values in his bones. Their personal teaching and words shaped my worldview, values and outlook in life. As I grew up, my faith and self-cultivation in Buddhism is no longer due to my family but it is completely out from my own choice. When I was in the university, I was chairman of the Buddhist Society and participated in the promotion of Buddhist education.
Growing up in Buddhism and Confucianism made me a pretty good boy. In the eyes of many, I am a young man with no problems. However, I had a lot of struggles in my heart as I search for the meaning of life and the value of my existence. Six years of psychological training and various psychological theories have caused me to think a lot about my life and humanity. Some people may think that I am a nerd, just thinking about the ‘unimportant’ problems. In fact, I would also go crazy and play with my friends at that time, I am not melancholic but I am not particularly happy.
Since young, I was very sensitive to my own thoughts and feelings. I knew that I had many desires and unspeakable thoughts, so I worked hard to do good to stop the evil and to purify my heart. I was taught that I am capable to rely on myself to cultivate my behaviour and thoughts to be more and more true, kind and beautiful. However, in real life, my personal experience is not the case. No matter how hard I practised, I still commit sin, especially mental sins such as lust, resentment, covetousness etc. Over time, I felt numb in ‘helplessness’. I seek short-term inner peace through meditation, projecting the religious needs on the Buddha statues made by human hands.
Until ten years ago when I went to the Qinghai Plateau to provide psychological assistance after an earthquake. In the disaster area, as I looked at the collapsed houses and bridges, the damaged temple pagodas and the lost of human lives, I suddenly felt a deep sense of helplessness. We lived in tentages in the disaster area. The plateau area was freezing cold at night, the electricity supply was unstable, there was no network, no TV. Every night, I hid under a layer of thick blanket and rested very early. In the dark, I had a lot of deep thoughts about my life and my faith. The helplessness and struggles which I chucked in a corner surfaced again. I saw the filthiness and uneasiness in my inner being. My education, my professionalism, my feelings, things that I held dearly, I was scare that once I let go, I will sink.
In order to improve my ability of cross-cultural counselling, I spent a few months in a church. Every Saturday afternoon, I was at the Buddhist Association for group studies and meetings. In the evening, I hurried to the church to join the cell group and worship. At the time, I felt that Christianity emphasised blind faith and blind obedience and it seemed to be a superstitious religion. One night, I don’t know where the power came from, I prayed the sinner’s prayer over the phone. After praying, I was a little overwhelmed. I have no peace and joy, I feel very troubled! Oh gosh! What have I just did? Am I a Christian now? How am I going to tell my family, my master and friends?
I still gave a chance to Jesus. I began to pray to this invisible God, “prove to me that you are real”. Every time I prayed, I felt that the object of my prayer was very huge but I was so small and insignificant. However, I felt unexpected peace and fulfilment, without the uneasiness of losing myself. Of course, I cannot affirm the truth by feeling alone. Therefore, I began to work hard to read the Bible and read different Buddhist scriptures. I spoke to different pastors and senior Buddhists masters about my situation. Finally, I found that I had no choice but to believe Jesus because I was completely convinced by the truth of the Bible and the true experience.
In fact, when I humbly confessed that I needed Jesus and admitted that I was powerless, God gave me a new life. Whenever I have tug-of-war with sin, the bible verses naturally emerged verse by verse. I am not helplessness when I face sin but instead I have a very realistic hope. My interaction with God is very real. I am no longer struggling to rely on myself to “Be a good person, do no evil, and do good deeds, self-purification of thoughts”. I rely on the power that God which is added to me to receive the calling of Micah 6:8 “But to do justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God”. I let go and let God use the education and professionism which I held dearly before to serve the marginalized ethnic groups. In the past, I longed “to get out of suffering into happiness” but now I see in Christ the value and meaning of suffering. When I see myself and those marginalised ethnic groups, showing the strength and perseverance in suffering, I changed my attitude towards serving; apart from helping them within my ability, I learned to discover the growth of people in suffering. It’s all because I know and experienced Jesus Christ giving me grace and hope through bearing my suffering.
God also placed me among the people who received this grace. He gave me spiritual parents, pastors and shimu who love me. They are not just religious teachers who only want me to worship, but servant of God who humbly guide, serve and shepherd me. After many years of searching, I also found my partner who loves each other. She is a girl who is caring, fear God and willing to serve people who are suffering. As we have the same values, the truth of God, our blending makes each other more mature and more in love.
My life in the Lord is becoming clearer and easier. I truly believe that although I am ordinary, God sees me with the best vision, so that I can enjoy this ordinary self and live out the extraordinary in Christ.